through the looking glass

For all intents and purposes I am a brand new person.
well, more like a second hand person, but in any case no longer who I was.

When I look back at old me it's like I'm looking into stranger.
A very positive stranger, with a strong religious view..and just a general sense of hope.

Life has changed me through it's many varied means.

And though it sounds like I've been beaten down or hopeless, I'm not.
I simply understand things differently now.
Life impacts me in a very real way.
I saw through a glass darkly.

Every decade we look back on our lives, and mark changes in our psyche.
We laugh at how we used to think we knew so much,cry at how we wasted time we thought we'd always have.

For the last 5 years I have little to no religious views.
And it's been hugely liberating.
At first I thought I'd miss it, but I never have.

I decided to just believe in Love..which sounds nice right??
Although I think that's a very selfless thing to believe in..and let's face it I'm pretty selfish.
More of an "every man for himself" kinda girl.

So what did that leave me with?

If I searched my heart ( which I don't enjoy at all), I would have to say that I do ACTUALLY believe in a God / Devil, I think most likely they are two sides of the same coin.

I belive there is something out there bigger than we are.

I however have decided, that I shall never be religeous again, or work hard to earn God's good grace.
We're just gonna be cool..God and I.

I'm not bitter about the past. I'm living in the moment.
Trying to make my life into something I can recognize as lovely.

And life is Hard, as it should be, beating us into some finer metal.

A friend recently told me in so many words, that wrinkles are earned, our bodies are a map of the things and people we have overcome, and those that overcame us.

You are all part of me now,
those I've loved, lost, hated, fucked.
I've absorbed you into this canvas
You're each a feature on my face, a scar on my body.

And here I am years later,
years marked by a hanfull of hair and a bite
So many basic things haven't changed. 

I still don't know where my life really began, or how much of it I've lived.
I know I am who I wanted to be at 12 but not who I want to be now

And when I look in the mirror my face doesn't match who I am

So come, come and paint on me
another artist, another name.