It was a lie so I erased it, it isn't funny cute or sarcastic, it wasn't even me.
Maybe I haven't cried in months, but that isn't how I express strong emotion.
I become cold and quiet, I refused to pack my hospital bag cause I don't want to deal with it.. and I like to use excuses such as ..shopping makes me bored, which it does, but that isn't why.
Oli try's to read me portions of the childcare hand book, tries to get me to practice my breathing...but I don't really pay attention, I tell him it will come back to me on the spot.
He hugs me and I just hang there with my wide dry eyes.
Perhaps I'm trying to put all this distance between myself and my future, like it could somehow unmake bridges.
I'm still doing my job ofcourse, turmoil isn't an excuse for laziness, I won't hide in my room.
I have a very short attention span, and all these situations makes me think of owning pets.
You see someone giving away kittens, they're so cute..you want one.
One week later the thrill is gone and you're left with a bad decision and subsequent responsibility.
I feel like everyone is more excited than I am, and the more excited they get, the more I retreat into the tearless society of silent flat eyes.
Maybe I'm having the baby blues before I have the baby, what are the chances?
Yeah you feel like I've abandoned you, I have, sit and watch me care..
I see your offline's pass by like TV advertisements, I tell myself I'll answer them soon.. when things change.
And then I wait for things to change and get more offline's.
It's not personal, everyone is getting the same treatment.
Praying is good, I like prayers.
pray for me
9 comments:
Aww, Sof. Don't feel bad.
I'd say what your going through is not entirely uncommon (baby blues pre-baby). But I can tell you 100% for sure that even tho sometimes , especially in the beginning the responsibility that's been thrust upon you may seem totally overwhelming, give it a year and unlike a kitten, who grows up so fast and just becomes a cat, that kid will just get funner and funner and cuter and cuter!! (Until they turn into parent-hating teenagers! -Heh, just kidding!)
For the first 6 months at least after Alice was born I kept wishing things were back to the way they were before (and I'd gotten PG on purpose!) but now, once the hardest phase is over, with each day that goes by she's just gotten better and better!
NEway, what I'm really trying to say is keep ur chin up. It won't be so bad and we're praying for you!
Hey, for your sanity's sake try to be excited about it. They say babies from unwanted pregnancies are more miserable when born. The 2 girls that I know that have gotten pg underage and who were very unhappy about it had colicky and fussy babies. Not sure if the tale is true, but just in case...
And from someone who's life has just changed... it's not always easy to be positive. When it's 4AM and nobody else has a boob to offer the screamer it's kinda annoying. But yea, as my little guy gets older (going on 2 months now) he gets more responsive and cute and worth the inconvenience. You always fall in love with your baby.
End of corny sermon. I'll be praying!
My son is not unwanted..I love him
I'm just not sure how to deal with it at this moment.
There is a distinct difference!
Sorry I just couldn't leave that thought hanging out there.
thank you both for your prayers
aww.. praying for you
Many prayers.
I know what you mean. babymaking can be a tricksy business.
praying everything goes well.
absolute wrong choice of wording. sorry about that.
I totaly know what you mean. Dealing with getting pregnant, was the hardest event of my life! Things got better though, sure, babies are tough, and loosing your independence is REAL tough, but in return you get a little person who will own your heart, and in return will love you back as faithfully.
Good luck.
love you girl...really do..even if you are hiding..
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