This name, my shame. Part of what I carry that makes me who I am.

I used to think I didn't hate and that bitterness bounced off me.
But you've taught me many things.
You've taught me that I hate, I know this because I've spent the last two years hating you.
You've taught me that I'm bitter too, you made me bitter(no that's not fare),rather knowing you has made me bitter.

I don't think about you anymore unless some one brings your name up, and with it arises visions that involve your head and our gate, or tieing you somewhere where I can repay those last 2 hours of psychotic verbal abuse.

This hatred is hurting no one but myself, mainly because I keep it to myself, I smile when I see you, I say good things about you behind your back..all that's left is for me to take that step out of this pit and make it genuine.
I need to forgive you
Once you realize you have a NWO like this, not working on it just isn't cool or disciple like.
But almost more pressing is that this unresolved and underlying sin of mine is what has been causing me to disassociate myself from my baby.
How is this possible?
remember when things got to be too much, I felt overwhelmed and smothered, you wanted decisions to be made.
I shut down, went silent, became cold and put as much distance between us as possible.

Well having a child is bound to be overwhelming and possibly smothering.
and I'm doing to him exactly what I did to you.
But I can't allow that, I love him..he's my baby
And it's taken me this long to realize what's at the root of it.
You
I need to forgive and accept you so that I can do the same for my child with all the grace and love I should have been able to manifest on your behalf.

Obviously I don't expect you to understand why you of all people would need to be forgiven, when in your mind it was all so clearly my fault.
And allot of it was I admit, and I am desperate for your forgiveness as well.
Perhaps you gave it long ago and I've been the only bitter one..I really don't care.

I need to do this, I need to do it now.
So I commit myself right now to henceforth mean every good thing I say about you, to smile next we meet and really mean it, to love you in Christ unconditionally and without stipulation, to forget the math and call it even.
Every time your head and our gate come together in my mind I swear to put a joyful spin on it.
I really am thankful you know for the changes you caused in my life, the Lord definitely lent you to me for a time to make my bit of bitter gold better.
Thank you for being both the good and the bad to me, thank you for enduring my hate so that I could have this lesson today.
thank you for helping me to love my son

The Silver Princess