Goldy Locks and the 3 bears

I've been distant, a stranger
I can't say I've been busier than normal, theres no excuse except selfishness, which is more of a reason really.
I've been having weird and bizarre dreams lately, dreaming of the past, trying to pull the past with me into the future just like I did as a child.
F*,H*, even B*..useless useless dreams.
Theres no reason except perhaps they've crossed my mind recently.
Mostly I dream of trying and not succeeding, which is stupid really cause I've been there done that..I have succeeded
In a meaningless, meaningless way.
I wish I had failed
Mediocracy sucks, no one deserves justice, and if we did, I think we'd find it harsher and painfuller then we'd imagined our share would be.
God knows I haven't warranted allot of good things, but warranted or not he gifted me with Olivier.
Granted Oli's probably all the brownies points of the life I've lived and the life that's yet to come put together.
And I know that when I bungle it I shall have burnt up the treasure that was meant to last me a life time.

Still I'm useless when it comes to appreciation God help me.
And these dreams, it hardly seems fare for me to even have them.
I'm a low budget friend ...sorry guys, you obviously don't have enough cash to get your self a better one.
I'm like Tesco's cheap brand of friend.
I've slept with your lovers,I keep your secrets, and I'm dreaming your dreams.
I'm wearing a surprise someone sent me from the US
a shirt that you should be wearing not me

I'm a hypocrite
I'm a sinner
And tomorrow I'll put make up on and pretend it's all pretty underneath, but it's not, and it's won't ever be OK.

* left a gapping hole in me, it's not the kind of thing that a letter, an apologie, or a new friendship can fix (on either side), and it will never be OK
It's almost a loathing we try to cover with indifference.
Words like, you'll never move me again..and.. I thought I knew you were something special and you turned out to be husks.
Ohh the power of words
They say never love someone for they're words..but they are powerfull, they are alive, words are like blood.
And I hate him because he hates me and I can't hate him for it, And I hate him because someone whom I looked up to and sought after they're good graces can feel so little for me and think of me as a shallow waste of affection.

it is no falut of his that I am a wasted wanton, I must take full responcibility for that myself, if anything he helped me to make changes..so ..yay for him

On the bright side..you guys aren't Tesco Friend's at all..you're allways there for me.
You're singel mothers and board members, sometimes stressed and lonely.

But you take time out of your busy shedules for Goldey Locks the girl who has everything, and you tell me you can't see my cross yet you feel my pain.
you tell me it's going to be OK